week 28: freedom, pt 2

this week on the little dream farm

This weeks Farm Note is part one of a two-part series. Read the first part here.

While I started writing this Farm Note Saturday afternoon this butterfly was having the time of its life right outside the window on these lovely echinacea. We have so much echinacea and milkweed growing all over the farm this year and the butterflies are flocking to the LDF!

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Last week I told you about the series of work-related events that have led me to this period of freedom where I still have my Air Force Reserve role, which requires me to work the equivalent of 30 days out of the year, but that I’m no longer on long-term active duty orders or tied to a full-time role.

That makes me a free woman!

It begs the question, So what’s next?!

At the start of this year when I was transitioning from the role I was let go from to the new and last set of orders I just finished, I was very much thinking about putting the wheels in gear for what was to come next.

This was at the same time my health was at an all-time low.

Combine losing my job just days before Christmas with the terribly cold winter we had, with some pretty severe symptoms from the thyroid issues I was experiencing, and add to that four bulging thoracic discs. I was in one of the lowest places mentally, physically, and spiritually that I’ve ever been.

It’s hard to even fathom that was just earlier this year. Those days and weeks felt like a never-ending slog and I was working my tail off to dig myself up out of it but really struggling for a while there to see the light.

But something profound was happening that wasn’t immediately noticeable to me.

In that time, it felt hard to tell which way was up, but I did know that I had control of two key things: the way I talked to myself through the rough patch, and the things I did to take care of myself.

I went and had some very comprehensive blood work done. I then called around to seek out the very best Physical Therapist I could find. I did a boat load of medical and nutrition research, and I leaned on what I’ve been learning these last several years about food, farming, nature, health, and our relationship to it all.

I was overwhelmed on info and burned out on the amount of work it was feeling like it was going to take to just not feel like crap every single day.

Actually, I feel like I went through an entire grieving process on that fact alone.

But I knew I was onto something.

Even though it felt like the mountain was going to be impossible to climb, every day I just took the steps.

One night of sleep at a time. One meal at a time. One glass of water at a time. One handful of supplements at a time. One PT session at a time. One heat pad session at a time. One pep talk with Chris at a time. One phone call to a friend at a time. One ugly cry at a time.

It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t particularly pretty, but every day there was progress, even if I couldn’t see it.

Last week I had a new set of labs drawn and through nothing but nutrition, hydration, movement, sleep, and stress management, my thyroid is now completely normal and the autoimmune antibodies are just a few dozen points away from normal…putting me very close to getting Hashimoto’s into remission (which is absolutely possible, despite what doctors may say).

I’d asked my doctor to give me a year to work at it on my own before prescribing me medications, and when I saw the endocrinologist she said, “I hate that you had to come all the way here for me just to tell you to keep doing what you’re doing and that there’s nothing more I need to do for you that you’re not already doing for yourself.” It was all I needed to hear to motivate me to keep going.

Just five months after starting PT and sticking to deliberate core and back strength training, I have had almost an entire month of mostly pain-free days—something that didn’t feel like it was ever going to be possible again in my life when I wasn’t even able to stand at the sink and wash a cup at the start of the year.

This entire experience reminded me of our body’s incredible ability to heal.

Now as a personal trainer and nutrition coach and someone who lives and works in the health and wellness space, you wouldn’t think this would be some grand revelation.

But it brought front and center for me something I’ve been working to get across to clients throughout all my years as a coach: that when we focus on the inputs, the rest takes care of itself.

Put more directly, our bodies know exactly what to do. All of our trillions of cells have a job, and every day they wake up ready to do that job. When they can’t, our body even has the most incredible notification system that sends us signals that present themselves as symptoms. When we address the root cause of that symptom, we solve the root of the problem…then our body can go back to doing what it’s built to do best, which is exist in a state of wellness or homeostasis.

This healing is available to us through nutrition and hydration and movement and sunlight and herbs and minerals and rest and cultivating a positive mindset and managing stress, even though our modern medical system would have us believe it’s through this drug or that pill or some treatment (which has its place but is often relied on far too early in the body’s healing process).

This experience reinvigorated and deepened my trust in my body to be well.

I did it all without a single NSAID. I refused the muscle relaxers and pain killers. I said no to synthetic thyroid hormone (for now, knowing this may be necessary down the road).

Really, I relied far more on my farmer and the growers around us to nourish myself back to a better state of health, and my physical therapist who helped me train and strengthen my back and core to allow those discs to settle back into place.

It feels like nothing short of a miracle based on how bad I felt then and how great I feel now, but I believe deeply and wholeheartedly in our body’s innate ability to heal when given the right conditions.

And so now while all of this progress and healing is taking place, there’s also been this ongoing question at the back of my mind these last few years about the farm and what to do with it this year, next year…in five years, etc.

If you’ve read this Farm Note long enough, then you know I’ve been quite forthcoming about the fact that we’ve been kind of figuring it out as we go here on the LDF, and that we had a whole host of ideas of what we thought this farm might be or what we might do here, and that many of those things have not panned out for one reason or decision or another. You’d also know we’ve looked at several properties through the years while we’ve lived here and considered whether there might be a better fit for us.

It dawned on me a while back that maybe it’s less about what we do with or to this farm, and far more about what this farm has done to and within me.

And I’ve now laid that question of what will this farm be to rest.

It’s been replaced instead with a knowing that this farm has been and is the very best metaphor I’ve ever encountered for life. It has taught us (is teaching us) some of the best lessons. It has made us (is making us) better people. While there’ve been many times it nearly broke us, it’s made us (is making us) stronger both as individuals and as a team. It has been the space I didn’t know I needed to heal from things I never thought I’d get past. And it’s given me perspective I never knew was possible for me.

It has been the fertile ground upon which we’ve placed so many dreams, big and small, and cultivated those dreams with love and care and grace and a ton of sweat equity.

It was constantly feeling like it should be more than just having some donkeys and some chickens and growing a garden and a patch of flowers as a hobby and working with a farmer to keep the land farmed.

Lately we’ve been settled in the fact that it’s exactly all of this and doesn’t need to be anything more.

This year has felt like a changing of the guard for me. Like an out with the old and in with the new kind of vibe. Like there was a Before and now I’m stepping into the After.

It’s been a lot of change all taking place at once and my heart is wide open to it.

Maybe this week you thought this Farm Note would give a good sense of exactly what comes next.

That would be nice because it would mean I’d have more peace and clarity about the road ahead.

But that’s the thing.

It’s a work in progress.

These last few months I kept pushing myself to have something at the ready the moment I stepped off orders, but that’s what Before Sarah always did—had too many balls in the air and was trying to do everything instead of doing a few things well with focus.

So I told myself a few months ago, enough of that.

I’ve been working since I was 15 years old. Earlier than that if you count the babysitting and petsitting I was doing even before my first real job.

This time between what comes next feels sacred…like I need to spend a little time in it.

We also had so many projects we wanted to tackle at the start of this growing season. Now that they’re complete, I feel freed up from all of that work and more settled as I look around the farm and know that we’ve gotten it to a really good place.

I’ve had a lot of dreams tucked away neatly up on the shelf while I was fulfilling other goals and roles and responsibilities.

And now it’s time to take them down off the shelf, dust them off, have a good look at them, see what no longer fits and let those go with love, and put focus on the ones that do to give them a fighting chance.

I’m working on something right now that I’ve been thinking about for years. I want to tell you about it, but it’s not quite ready to share just yet. When something I’m working on or dreaming about is in this sort of fragile state, sharing it feels like giving too much of it and myself away. Like telling someone about a wish that might prevent it from coming true.

So know that I am toiling away daily on something I care very deeply about and that when I’m ready to share, you’ll be first to hear about it right here in the Farm Note and then on social.

In the meantime.

Chris and I have planned two trips we’re taking together this year. It’s been six years since we’ve gotten on a plane together and two years since we’ve taken a vacation together. So, it’s high time for us to have some down time off the farm together.

I’ve got a solo trip planned for just me for a few days to one of my favorite places in the world.

I’ve got a trip planned to see family and can’t wait to have a few days with them.

I’ve got a handful of best friends I haven’t seen in years who I’m due for some quality time with.

And I have been itching to get out for more walks. To have more time in the garden. To spend more time hanging out with the animals. To meet up with my local girlfriends for more coffees and mahjong nights and dinners (yesterday a few of us did our villages garden tour together and it was wonderful!). For Chris and I to go on more dates and adventures. I have a reading list. Writing that’s been on my mind. And a whole host of creative projects that have been waiting for my attention and focus.

These things aren’t any different than my usual desires, I just now have more headspace and time and energy and good health for them.

So this week I’ve stepped into this After without pressure or expectation or forcing things to happen immediately. Given the way the start of the year was going, this feels like a much needed gift and I’m so looking forward to and excited about creating from this place.

I’m loving this era already and excited about bringing you along for the ride.

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