week 6: don't want to talk about it
this week on the little dream farm
This week’s Farm Note is a departure from the normal goings on here on the Little Dream Farm and more of a personal note from me. It crossed my mind many times this week not to write anything at all. Coincidentally, every time I’ve used this forum to write about l i f e s t u f f it was, without fail, the most widely read, commented on, shared, and talked about writing I’ve created in the 110 Farm Notes written to date. As a writer, I think about the significance of that often.
I do want to talk to you about the nourishing meals I’ve been making, and how we think one of our hens was attacked by a hawk but we’ve nursed her back to good health, and that I’ve read so many great books in January, and that I’ve been writing and writing and writing just for me. But I just don’t feel like having to be phony-me this week to tell you about those things so I’ll save those things for when I don’t feel like I’m faking it.
I don’t want to talk to you about how my boss called me late in the afternoon on Friday December 20th, just five days before Christmas (while we were all waiting to find out if the government was going to shut down, but didn’t), to tell me she was ending my orders and cutting my contract short by six months, but said she hoped I had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year before she hung up the phone.
I don’t want to talk to you about how I went to a yoga class and then woke up the next morning with a terrible knot in my shoulder to then find myself in horrendous pain in my mid-back for the last six weeks now (this, just as my full healthcare coverage was about to end with my contract), and how I’ve spent most of January in pajamas in bed and that I can’t wear a bra and that once I got in to see a doctor that I had to beg them to send me for an MRI to confirm what I feared might be the case—multiple disc issues in my thoracic spine—and the disappointment I’ve been sitting in as I wait to get an MRI on my cervical spine next and those results, too.
I don’t want to talk to you about how my Hashimoto’s symptoms have been so ferocious this winter season that I’ve been constantly secretly thinking about devising a plan to run away to somewhere warm by the ocean so I can thaw my ever-frozen body and put my face to the sun and my feet in the sand in the water and forget the way my bottom lip completely peels every other day and that the sound of my boots walking across the snow in negative-degree temperatures pierces my ears like nails on a chalkboard…and not return until spring comes.
I don’t want to talk to you about the endless fighting and advocating and pushing and prodding I’ve had to do the last six weeks to receive the most sub-par health care, and the exhaustion and hopelessness that comes from having to be your own advocate in an inherently broken medical system while using military health care.
I don’t want to talk to you about how I managed to immediately secure a new position that started just as the last one was ending, only to find out this week that I will permanently lose this new position and the possibility of all others (unless I move) due to return to in-person work policies.
I don’t want to talk to you about how I’ve had this idea brewing inside of me for the better part of a year that I’ve been tinkering with, working on here and there, walking with, giving space to, and breathing life into, but I’m terrified that I’m going to totally self-sabotage it before I even begin it.
I don’t want to talk to you about how I’m the one who is always hopeful and always looking on the bright side and always seeing the gift and the lesson in everything, and right now, all I want to tell Positive Sarah is to shush.
Since I don’t feel like talking about any of the above, this week I very much wanted to share with you a handful of wonderful things I’ve read on Substack, as I’ve been spending more time in this space discovering writers and reading what other writers are writing about.
It’s such a welcome change of experience from thumbing through social posts one after the next. I highly suggest the Substack app if you’re looking for space from your typical social apps and would like to be connected to creatives and big thinkers and artists and professionals.
Substack is treasure trove of incredibly talented humans. Of the 100+ things I’ve read recently, here’s just a few I think you may enjoy, which I’ll leave you to to read (or not!) at your leisure:
Write Two Letters of Thanks to Yourself - from Journal Meditations of a Working Artist by Roderick MacIver: David told me about this publication and I always find such wonderful drops of love and joy and wisdom within Roderick’s work. He had another publication as well called Heron Dance which is worth going back and reading through his “A Pause for Beauty” series—so many gems.
“Pre-Gretting” - from We’re All Getting Older by Lou Blaser: this is my very first time hearing about the concept of “pre-grets”. You can’t go back and change the past or your regrets but you can anticipate and prevent pre-grets turning into them. I love this concept. This will stick with me.
You Bust Loose From Heaven and Now Your Life Starts* - from Miranda July by Miranda July: the sub-caption to this post is “Or: should you blow up your life?” and it talks about a discussion with a friend and the decision to leave a longterm relationship. You could read this in the context of making any major life change (or “blowing up your life” as referred to here), which is why I’m including it here. Read the post and then read through the comments. You or a friend may need these words the most right now, as many mentioned in the comments they did.
When the Energy Hits Rock Bottom - from The Therapy Room by Dr. Vicki Connop: this one is for me. I just happened to stumble across it but it talks about the deep fatigue that comes from autoimmune disorders. I’ve never known anything like it and the depression that comes from feeling so unlike myself has been the hardest thing to grapple with since these symptoms (which I now understand had been underlying for so many years but never caught by my doctors…or sadly me) came to a head in mid-2023. If you have an autoimmune condition this may help you ease up on yourself. If you know someone who does, it may help you understand their experience in a new way.
Let me know if you give one or a few of these a read, as I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Do us one favor? Give this post a heart so that Substack will share it with readers on the Substack network and we can gather more great friends here together! Thanks!
Oh, Sarah…I am so sorry that you are walking through a very difficult & dark time. I think we all can relate in one way or another…& I am so grateful (& honored) you shared your pain & trust this community that wants nothing but the best for you & everyone at LDF. Most importantly we are not made to walk alone or constantly “put on the brave face”… Only when we share can we fully appreciate those who will support you, pray for you, love you and hold you up when you do not have the strength to do it yourself. We are here in the good & bad days. Thank you for sharing. Sending prayers & love 🙏🏼❤️
Sarah..I am so very sorry for all you are going through. Having a chronic illness is challenging enough without having to deal with everything else. The president's actions are reeking havoc on many lives. Sending love and healing energy