Sorry your offer for the RI property did not work out but agree that there is always a reason for these big things to go the way they do. Also sorry that Chris’ mom is going through a health crisis - and that means the family does too. My parents and in-laws both aged pretty well and the last part of their journey was quick. I used to think about the gift of not watching them suffer a long drawn out last chapter - and then my husband was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia in 2017. The physical side of illness is challenging enough but the anticipatory grief and concern while caring for a loved one is immense. Then navigating a health care system that is not perfect (I might be generous in this comment) and also the financial toll that it can take is overwhelming. What I can say with certainty is that losing the LOML in 2020 right before COVID lockdown was traumatic but it also woke me up to the reality of what we all face and how best to prepare for it. Try your best to stay healthy. Change lifestyle habits that can put you in danger of losing your physical and mental health. Preventative care can keep you out of the healthcare system for longer. Be prepared for what might happen to the best of your ability - make changes in your home if needed to create a sustainable living environment. Talk to your family about what, where and how you see your aging in place or other solutions. Think about long term care insurance when you are younger to lighten the financial burden later if needed. As a caregiver make sure you have a strong social/support network - it is what will get you through the toughest times. My single friends and I even talk about communal living “when we are old” and I truly believe that it can provide a solution to the large aging population now and the next larger “millennial” generation to come. We may see multi generation family living come back as it was decades ago. There is not one answer to this really complex situation. I believe we have to be open to new ideas about how to address the solutions - one thing is sure, this is when planning is really necessary!
Oh my gosh there's so much to say and thank you for such a thoughtful comment and for sharing your story and your advice. I'm sorry for your losses. I hope there were a few people who read your comment and took to heart your advice - it's all so very good. And you know what, I never before thought about communal living when we're older...what a fascinating and brilliant idea. I think about this from time to time as we don't have children and I absolutely love the idea of coming together with others later in life to be together and take care of one another. I have a feeling this will gain a lot of traction in the coming years. Thanks so much for the lovely idea...makes getting older sound fun!
Loved this week’s column, although my heart goes out to Chris and his mom. I don’t want to move to FL (Englewood area on the Gulf coast), but my mom might need me soon and I’ll definitely do it when the time comes. Re: your D.C. Trip, please add me to the RSVP list when you put the call out! Mariamihalik2424@gmail.com. Also, here’s my question for your Q&A—pardon me if you’ve already addressed it: Why don’t you guys want to be rocking on the front porch of the LDF when you’re old and gray? Is it because you want closer access to an airport and a big city with easily accessed cultural things to do? I do remember you saying something like that a while back…Thanks!! 💐💐💐💐
I'll be thinking of you as you have to navigate that decision and your mom's health. And you've got it - added to the list for DC. I'm there Sept 9-20 so it'll be somewhere in there once I get a handle on my schedule while I'm there. And yes we've mentioned it briefly - our goal is to get closer to Providence, RI, closer to Boston, closer to the beaches. If we can make it work to keep the LDF we will...I dream about being able to rent it out to those of you who'd like to use it as a place to stay now and then, so we'll see!! Right now nothing is really off the table!
So much about caring for elderly parents is hard. I've gone through it now with my MIL, my father, then my mother. Rehabiltation and long term care are the scariest. It seems my loved ones were only cared for because we were there so frequently to look after them. If Chris has other family and friends who are closer, please have them visit her as often as they can - it makes a huge difference. I spoke to the staff - took cookies and treats, empathized with their difficult job - but assured them I wouldn't let poor care go. My MIL was fine one day - happy to have had her first solid food - then gone a day later from aspirating. My mother deteriorated so rapidly in November - and noone seemed to care about telling us what happened.. "she's old (86) it was her time"... I can't make sense of any of it. The worst part of it all was my own brain serving question after question about whether I had done enough. With both parents gone I feel adrift in the world. It's a weird sensation that you can't prepare for. Hold your loved one close while you can. And do continue to take care of yourself and Chris. It is an awful strain on your heart too. My thoughts and good wishes are with you.
Gosh I feel so much for you as I know exactly how you feel after going through it with my mom taking care of my grandma and trying to be there for them both and watching that all unfold. You're right - it's hard when you can't be there all the time and we're considering other options to try and have her closer if that were at all possible. Right now the focus is getting her stable, settled, and improved, and then we'll reevaluate everything at that time. Thank you for sharing your experience and your loved ones. I'm sorry for your losses.
Hi Sarah, I was sad to read about Chris’s mom. You two are young to be dealing with aging parents. My Dad has been in assisted living, rehabilitation (for a broken hip) and now memory care over the past 20 plus years. I spent the whole month of February on several health issues that he had and over the month his condition got worse and while in rehab (for constant falls) his assisted living facility refused to take him back. Much scrambling from 1,000 miles away (he’s in Austin, I’m in Saratoga county).
Fast forward to the end of June and my mom had a minor accident trying to carry her groceries. She tore a groin ligament and after several ER visits was discharged home with a walker and in a lot of pain. Her beginning dementia has gotten worse and she requires a lot of supervision and help with household chores. She had long term care insurance which she has been paying into for 20 years. We would love for her to go to assisted living but she can’t afford it without the insurance. I won’t belabor this story but the insurance company has been a nightmare to deal with. On top of being my mom’s primary caregiver, I have spent tons of hours on the insurance and we are not any closer to getting resolution. Our healthcare system is broken.
Sadly you know it all too well - I am sorry to hear about this for both of your parents and know that it has likely taken such a toll on you...so thank you for everything you've put into their care if no ones told you that lately. It's a very hard role to take on. I'm sure the distance doesn't help. Thinking of you and hoping you've been able to take good care of yourself, too. ❤️
Hi Sara, I really enjoy reading your farm notes every Sunday, but I have missed a few and was just wondering why you and Chris are wanting to move as I know you already have a little piece of Heaven right where you are. The pictures of the fields and the flowers with the mist rolling through are my favorite. ❤️
Thank you so much for reading!! Our goal is to get closer to Providence, RI, closer to Boston, closer to the beaches. If we can make it work to keep the LDF we will...I dream about being able to rent it out to those of you who'd like to use it as a place to stay now and then, so we'll see!! Right now nothing is really off the table! There's no rush for us and we'll only move if it's totally the next right fit...so until then we'll enjoy this little heaven!!
Hi Sarah and Chris. My mom passed in November at the age of 83 from Alzheimer’s. Although my sisters and I had suspicions that she was having minor memory issues, typical of folks her age, we believe that the isolation of the pandemic era really accelerated her decline. From then until her passing, my sisters and I bonded together, making plans, decisions, etc. it was the hardest thing we all had ever done and to watch your once strong, opinionated, independent mom deteriorate was gut-wrenching and heartbreaking. I read the comments so far and can totally relate to those journeys. If you ever want to reach out, I am one of your Instagram followers. You have inspired so many of us with your love, kindness and wellness that whatever we can do to help you would be our honor. If you ever get to the Chicago area and had some time, I bet some of us would love to meet you. Peace and love to you.
Hi Renee, what a sweet sweet comment, thank you for being so caring and giving and yes if I'm ever in Chicago I'll certainly do a call out to try and meet some of you! I'm very sorry to hear about your mom and know how hard that had to have been for your and your sisters. I watched my mom go through it with her mom and how their siblings came together for my grandma. Thinking of you and hoping you've been able to find peace and happiness in your memories. Thanks for sharing your experience and your mom and your kind words. Sending you love.
I have navigated caring for older relatives twice. First, with my mom and, years later, with my mother in law
With my mom, it was a gut punch.
The day started with me taking her to a doctor's appointment. It morphed in to calling an ambulance and being refused service. Finally got her to the doc and he wanted to know why I didn't call an ambulance.
In the ER I learned that my mother had been diagnosed with Alzheimers a year earlier. I had no idea.
I spotted the signs with my mother in law long before the rest of the family. Several years passed before she was evaluated. She had Lewy Body Dementia. It was difficult caring for her because she was so strong willed. Her sister even stepped up and said that she was trying too hard to hold on to control.
Suffice to say I empathize entirely. I understand the emotional toll of seeing the one person who has always been your North Star suddenly become completely dependent. It's hard and everyone handles it differently.
Thank you for allowing me to tell my story. There is catharsis in sharing what is tucked away inside.
Gosh this was tough to read I'm so sorry you went through this and I've never heard of Lewy Body Dementia before but two of you have mentioned it here in these comments. Thank you for taking the time to share and for your sweet comment - there surely is healing to be found in sharing and knowing you are not alone. Sending you love.
I work in healthcare as an oncology nurse and I see the struggles families go through. The absolute horror insurance companies can be. Families are basically forced to go into poverty because their insurance won’t cover their care; but they make “too much money” to qualify for the insurance they need. Breaks my heart.
Gosh what a tough field to be in - you see it on a much different scale then most. Thanks for all you do if no one has told you that in a while. It matters. ❤️
I know what you’re going through with the parents. Not only did my dad have a bad fall and end up going from being able to walk, drive, etc to being in a nursing home and unable to get out of bed by himself, but I work in the Medicare field. I see our countries health insurance up close and personal every day. It’s a rough job, but it brings me joy when I can help just one person. I’ve been a reader of your letter and a follower since before you had the farm, and I’m so glad you feel comfortable to share the parts of your life with us that you do.
Your kind words made me smile so thank you for that. And I'm sorry to hear about your dad...that's basically the same thing Chris' mom is going through right now. We're grateful her insurance has afforded her the care she's getting but certainly we wish we could do more...like have her at home and have a nurse or have her closer to us. We'll work all that out in time and based on her progress. Thanks for sharing about your dad and thank you for hanging out with us here. ❤️
Sorry your offer for the RI property did not work out but agree that there is always a reason for these big things to go the way they do. Also sorry that Chris’ mom is going through a health crisis - and that means the family does too. My parents and in-laws both aged pretty well and the last part of their journey was quick. I used to think about the gift of not watching them suffer a long drawn out last chapter - and then my husband was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia in 2017. The physical side of illness is challenging enough but the anticipatory grief and concern while caring for a loved one is immense. Then navigating a health care system that is not perfect (I might be generous in this comment) and also the financial toll that it can take is overwhelming. What I can say with certainty is that losing the LOML in 2020 right before COVID lockdown was traumatic but it also woke me up to the reality of what we all face and how best to prepare for it. Try your best to stay healthy. Change lifestyle habits that can put you in danger of losing your physical and mental health. Preventative care can keep you out of the healthcare system for longer. Be prepared for what might happen to the best of your ability - make changes in your home if needed to create a sustainable living environment. Talk to your family about what, where and how you see your aging in place or other solutions. Think about long term care insurance when you are younger to lighten the financial burden later if needed. As a caregiver make sure you have a strong social/support network - it is what will get you through the toughest times. My single friends and I even talk about communal living “when we are old” and I truly believe that it can provide a solution to the large aging population now and the next larger “millennial” generation to come. We may see multi generation family living come back as it was decades ago. There is not one answer to this really complex situation. I believe we have to be open to new ideas about how to address the solutions - one thing is sure, this is when planning is really necessary!
Michelle,
Oh my gosh there's so much to say and thank you for such a thoughtful comment and for sharing your story and your advice. I'm sorry for your losses. I hope there were a few people who read your comment and took to heart your advice - it's all so very good. And you know what, I never before thought about communal living when we're older...what a fascinating and brilliant idea. I think about this from time to time as we don't have children and I absolutely love the idea of coming together with others later in life to be together and take care of one another. I have a feeling this will gain a lot of traction in the coming years. Thanks so much for the lovely idea...makes getting older sound fun!
Loved this week’s column, although my heart goes out to Chris and his mom. I don’t want to move to FL (Englewood area on the Gulf coast), but my mom might need me soon and I’ll definitely do it when the time comes. Re: your D.C. Trip, please add me to the RSVP list when you put the call out! Mariamihalik2424@gmail.com. Also, here’s my question for your Q&A—pardon me if you’ve already addressed it: Why don’t you guys want to be rocking on the front porch of the LDF when you’re old and gray? Is it because you want closer access to an airport and a big city with easily accessed cultural things to do? I do remember you saying something like that a while back…Thanks!! 💐💐💐💐
I'll be thinking of you as you have to navigate that decision and your mom's health. And you've got it - added to the list for DC. I'm there Sept 9-20 so it'll be somewhere in there once I get a handle on my schedule while I'm there. And yes we've mentioned it briefly - our goal is to get closer to Providence, RI, closer to Boston, closer to the beaches. If we can make it work to keep the LDF we will...I dream about being able to rent it out to those of you who'd like to use it as a place to stay now and then, so we'll see!! Right now nothing is really off the table!
So much about caring for elderly parents is hard. I've gone through it now with my MIL, my father, then my mother. Rehabiltation and long term care are the scariest. It seems my loved ones were only cared for because we were there so frequently to look after them. If Chris has other family and friends who are closer, please have them visit her as often as they can - it makes a huge difference. I spoke to the staff - took cookies and treats, empathized with their difficult job - but assured them I wouldn't let poor care go. My MIL was fine one day - happy to have had her first solid food - then gone a day later from aspirating. My mother deteriorated so rapidly in November - and noone seemed to care about telling us what happened.. "she's old (86) it was her time"... I can't make sense of any of it. The worst part of it all was my own brain serving question after question about whether I had done enough. With both parents gone I feel adrift in the world. It's a weird sensation that you can't prepare for. Hold your loved one close while you can. And do continue to take care of yourself and Chris. It is an awful strain on your heart too. My thoughts and good wishes are with you.
Gosh I feel so much for you as I know exactly how you feel after going through it with my mom taking care of my grandma and trying to be there for them both and watching that all unfold. You're right - it's hard when you can't be there all the time and we're considering other options to try and have her closer if that were at all possible. Right now the focus is getting her stable, settled, and improved, and then we'll reevaluate everything at that time. Thank you for sharing your experience and your loved ones. I'm sorry for your losses.
Hi Sarah, I was sad to read about Chris’s mom. You two are young to be dealing with aging parents. My Dad has been in assisted living, rehabilitation (for a broken hip) and now memory care over the past 20 plus years. I spent the whole month of February on several health issues that he had and over the month his condition got worse and while in rehab (for constant falls) his assisted living facility refused to take him back. Much scrambling from 1,000 miles away (he’s in Austin, I’m in Saratoga county).
Fast forward to the end of June and my mom had a minor accident trying to carry her groceries. She tore a groin ligament and after several ER visits was discharged home with a walker and in a lot of pain. Her beginning dementia has gotten worse and she requires a lot of supervision and help with household chores. She had long term care insurance which she has been paying into for 20 years. We would love for her to go to assisted living but she can’t afford it without the insurance. I won’t belabor this story but the insurance company has been a nightmare to deal with. On top of being my mom’s primary caregiver, I have spent tons of hours on the insurance and we are not any closer to getting resolution. Our healthcare system is broken.
Sadly you know it all too well - I am sorry to hear about this for both of your parents and know that it has likely taken such a toll on you...so thank you for everything you've put into their care if no ones told you that lately. It's a very hard role to take on. I'm sure the distance doesn't help. Thinking of you and hoping you've been able to take good care of yourself, too. ❤️
Hi Sara, I really enjoy reading your farm notes every Sunday, but I have missed a few and was just wondering why you and Chris are wanting to move as I know you already have a little piece of Heaven right where you are. The pictures of the fields and the flowers with the mist rolling through are my favorite. ❤️
Thank you so much for reading!! Our goal is to get closer to Providence, RI, closer to Boston, closer to the beaches. If we can make it work to keep the LDF we will...I dream about being able to rent it out to those of you who'd like to use it as a place to stay now and then, so we'll see!! Right now nothing is really off the table! There's no rush for us and we'll only move if it's totally the next right fit...so until then we'll enjoy this little heaven!!
Hi Sarah and Chris. My mom passed in November at the age of 83 from Alzheimer’s. Although my sisters and I had suspicions that she was having minor memory issues, typical of folks her age, we believe that the isolation of the pandemic era really accelerated her decline. From then until her passing, my sisters and I bonded together, making plans, decisions, etc. it was the hardest thing we all had ever done and to watch your once strong, opinionated, independent mom deteriorate was gut-wrenching and heartbreaking. I read the comments so far and can totally relate to those journeys. If you ever want to reach out, I am one of your Instagram followers. You have inspired so many of us with your love, kindness and wellness that whatever we can do to help you would be our honor. If you ever get to the Chicago area and had some time, I bet some of us would love to meet you. Peace and love to you.
Renee Rodriguez
Hi Renee, what a sweet sweet comment, thank you for being so caring and giving and yes if I'm ever in Chicago I'll certainly do a call out to try and meet some of you! I'm very sorry to hear about your mom and know how hard that had to have been for your and your sisters. I watched my mom go through it with her mom and how their siblings came together for my grandma. Thinking of you and hoping you've been able to find peace and happiness in your memories. Thanks for sharing your experience and your mom and your kind words. Sending you love.
I have navigated caring for older relatives twice. First, with my mom and, years later, with my mother in law
With my mom, it was a gut punch.
The day started with me taking her to a doctor's appointment. It morphed in to calling an ambulance and being refused service. Finally got her to the doc and he wanted to know why I didn't call an ambulance.
In the ER I learned that my mother had been diagnosed with Alzheimers a year earlier. I had no idea.
I spotted the signs with my mother in law long before the rest of the family. Several years passed before she was evaluated. She had Lewy Body Dementia. It was difficult caring for her because she was so strong willed. Her sister even stepped up and said that she was trying too hard to hold on to control.
Suffice to say I empathize entirely. I understand the emotional toll of seeing the one person who has always been your North Star suddenly become completely dependent. It's hard and everyone handles it differently.
Thank you for allowing me to tell my story. There is catharsis in sharing what is tucked away inside.
Gosh this was tough to read I'm so sorry you went through this and I've never heard of Lewy Body Dementia before but two of you have mentioned it here in these comments. Thank you for taking the time to share and for your sweet comment - there surely is healing to be found in sharing and knowing you are not alone. Sending you love.
Hope Chris’ Mom is getting better soon. Rhode Island is so nice, sorry that you didn’t get :(
Thank you - we hope so too and we'll keep on looking!
I work in healthcare as an oncology nurse and I see the struggles families go through. The absolute horror insurance companies can be. Families are basically forced to go into poverty because their insurance won’t cover their care; but they make “too much money” to qualify for the insurance they need. Breaks my heart.
Gosh what a tough field to be in - you see it on a much different scale then most. Thanks for all you do if no one has told you that in a while. It matters. ❤️
I know what you’re going through with the parents. Not only did my dad have a bad fall and end up going from being able to walk, drive, etc to being in a nursing home and unable to get out of bed by himself, but I work in the Medicare field. I see our countries health insurance up close and personal every day. It’s a rough job, but it brings me joy when I can help just one person. I’ve been a reader of your letter and a follower since before you had the farm, and I’m so glad you feel comfortable to share the parts of your life with us that you do.
Your kind words made me smile so thank you for that. And I'm sorry to hear about your dad...that's basically the same thing Chris' mom is going through right now. We're grateful her insurance has afforded her the care she's getting but certainly we wish we could do more...like have her at home and have a nurse or have her closer to us. We'll work all that out in time and based on her progress. Thanks for sharing about your dad and thank you for hanging out with us here. ❤️